So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
