he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
