I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
