I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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