so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
