I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
