I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
