I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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