I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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