Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
