I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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