I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
