I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
