remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
