I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
