she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Randomize
