So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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