I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
