Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
