Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
