That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
