the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
