Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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