According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
