i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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