i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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