I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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