I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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