it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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