A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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