you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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