I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
