i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
