Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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