STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
