I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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