You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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