There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
