Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
