what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
You are the jesus of drinking
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
