I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
