The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
