I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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