I hope my margaritas pass through security.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
