grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Randomize
