all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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