dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Randomize
