woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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