you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
