i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
