My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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