Can Purell be used as lube?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
