my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
