Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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