i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
