We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
