You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
