I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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