I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
